Peru, I Think I Love You

When I first booked my trip to Peru with Under30Experiences, I did it with the sole intention of wanting to see Machu Picchu, as many people do. With the changes in regulations and the constant chatter of it closing to the public, I knew I had to get there sooner than later.

The breathtaking experience of Machu Picchu was everything I thought it would be. What I didn't expect was to fall in love with Peru as a whole. I loved the city of Cusco, the food, the culture, and the crazy amount of llama souvenirs (and the prices/exchange rate).

This was my first experience in South America. My love affair for Peru started slowly and accelerated quickly (as many love stories do). I flew into Lima and our first day was spent there exploring the city and learning about the culture. It was a great way to get to know the 14 other people on the trip and begin to form connections and bonds. As always, there were such positive, open minded people on the trip. It always amazes me how fast you get to know people on these trips because you are forced into these experiences that make you rely on others for support in many different ways.

The next day, we flew to Cusco. Let me tell you one thing about Cusco, the altitude is no joke. At about 11,000 feet up, my heart was racing and walking seemed to take a ton of effort. To battle the altitude issues, Peruvians use coca leaves. I'm not sure if they really helped or not, but the coca tea was pretty delicious.

We spent the next day acclimating to the new altitude so that we would be ready for a trek to Machu in two days. This is when I fell head over heels in love with Peru. The streets are like something out of a storybook or Disney movie. They wind and twist, yet you always seem to end up in the main square. There are shops selling some of the best souvenirs I've ever seen. A llama print scarf for $5? I'll take two! Seven llama key chains for $1.50? I NEED that! Baby alpaca blankets for under $100, sweaters with llama prints, and llama leg warmers (you know I def bought those), just to name a few things.

Not only was the shopping addictive, so was the energy of the city. We saw a parade in Lima the first day, but I hadn't realized yet how much Peru loves parades. In six days, I saw three parades. It's hard not to love a place that has so much joy about life.

You can see why I love Peru so much and I haven't even mentioned the food. I can be somewhat of a boring eater, but I really enjoyed the food. Who doesn't love getting french fries with pretty much everything you order. Meat, rice, and french fries? I'm in. I also pushed myself WAYYYYY out of my comfort zone and tried guinea pig and alpaca meat (for those of you wondering, guinea pig is not something I would ever recommend to anyone. My best description of it is "gamey." The alpaca was pretty tasty but then I felt insanely guilty eating it after taking the most amazing selfie with one).

While I thought Machu Picchu was going to be the best part of the trip, I'm not quite sure it was. (It was amazing, don't get me wrong.)

I know I promote them a lot, but U30X creates life changing trips. This was my third trip with them and I have to say, I was able to experience the true Peruvian culture because of their mindful planning.

On my own, I would have never planned a day to spend on a farm. I took part in a traditional ceremony giving thanks to all that the earth gives to us and then harvested oats shoulder to shoulder with the members of the Chinchero community.

All week we had a guide that grew up in the Cusco area. To be able to spend so much time with someone local to the area is incredible. Roland may by my new best friend (he might not know it yet though). He was able to answer any questions we have about Peru, the culture, their love of coca leaves, and provide insight into the true daily life in Peru.

We also had each other. When someone on the trip got sick in the oat field, we offered whatever we had in our bags to make her feel better. When someone had food poisoning, the traveler who is a doctor on the trip sat with her in a tiny bathroom to make sure she was okay. When I was worried about my bladder condition and the bathroom situation at Machu Picchu, Roland made sure I had access to a toilet. We laughed, vomited, and (some) drank a lot of pisco together.


The days scheduled to help acclimate us to the altitude were some of the best I've ever experienced. U30X has a way of building their trips to have momentum and build the excitement with each day. As we left the farm to board the Inca Trail Train, I was sad that the trip was coming to a close in a little more than 24 hours.

On Macchu Picchu day, we woke up at 5 AM to begin our journey. From the moment I got on the bus heading up, it was an experience. The morning was foggy and contributed to the Disney like effect of the scenery on the trip. I felt like I was on my way to the most incredible ride, but it was real life. None of it was staged. I was really in the clouds (or the cloud forest as the locals call it).

After a morning of learning about Machu Picchu, why it was built, how it was built, we made the climb to the "postcard lookout" (aka the photo all of your friends who have been there have posted). With the altitude burning my lungs with every step up, it was such a great feeling of accomplishment to reach our summit.

As I stood on top of a giant mountain looking out at this awe inspiring structure the Incans built hundreds of years ago, all I could think about was how lucky I was to be able to be part of such an incredible journey.



























Yes, Grandma. I am capable of pushing my limits.

Light in the Dark

Hi. My name is Kristen and I have depression.

I recently binge watched 13 Reasons Why (like many of you). After that, I saw posts and articles flying around the Internet. Some made me happy and some made me sad. As a society, we have made such progress in identifying and treating depression, but we still have a very long way to go in compassion and understanding. For those who have never personally dealt with it in themselves or in a loved one, it seems there is still some disconnect.

Depression presents itself in many different ways than "I am sad and want to cry all of the time." And sometimes it is frustrating or difficult to identify the symptoms as depression.

As far back as 15, I remember sitting in doctor's offices year after year and looking at the poster of "Do you have these depression symptoms?" and telling them that I felt at least 75% of them applied to me. Year after year, they would just say things like "Oh, that's just growing up" or "It's puberty and typical adolescent feelings." But, I knew it wasn't.

My mom didn't understand. She would yell at me. She was frustrated because she didn't fully understand what I was feeling. I didn't "have anything to be depressed about." I was at the top of my class academically, I was in clubs, I got along with my family. In 2001, people didn't understand that it was just that my brain doesn't make the right chemicals. I wasn't sad over life, but I was sad. (As a side note, my mom has come a long way since then.)

I've seen people criticize 13 Reasons Why because Hannah's parents were super involved in her life and they surely would have known. Hannah had a good relationship with her parents so she most definitely would have told them how she was feeling.

I think those people were missing some of the point of the series. Depression is still tricky because people feel shameful in admitting it. They also don't know how people will react if they tell them. I grew up in a home with what you can probably call a helicopter mom. She was always there. Did she know that sometimes I thought about what would happen if I ran my car off the road into the barricade? Or that I would lay in bed wondering if a terminal disease would be all that bad? I would obsess over who would come to my funeral and who would feel guilty that I was gone. Did she know that either? No. She didn't. She probably didn't even know until she read this. So yes, I was on that scary level of depression and I don't think anyone realized how extreme it was.

It also did not help that high school was not my happy place, but I spent a majority of my time there. I had my guidance counselor tell me that I "must have tired blood" when I couldn't stop yawning in his office one day. On top of everything else, I had my own mean girl in school and then another at home... it was not fun. Because of my depression, most days I was not able to handle and process the external factors how I should have because of what was happening internally.

Then I found something to connect to. Something that made me feel something when I was desperate to feel anything. Some people don't understand why I love Andrew McMahon so much, but I truly have always felt that his music saved my life. Back then, his band was Something Corporate. For the first time, I connected to something on such a deep level. His music gave me hope, It gave me a sense of not feeling alone. His live performances were electric and I was hypnotized. So mom, next time you complain about me spending money to see another one of his concerts, you should instead thank him for saving my life.

It wasn't until I was 25 that a doctor took me seriously. She started me on antidepressants. I was on them for two years but near the end, they started making me feel off. I didn't feel like me. I felt like I had this weird high all of the time and that I was only fake happy when I wanted to be actually happy. I didn't want to be on pills anymore. I was tired of pills. I hated pills. Pills were the worst. At the time, my friend said to me, "If you had a heart problem, would you think twice about taking the pills?" and that one sentence has stuck with me for years.

Since then, I've seen many things on the Internet with similar messages, and it is true. I wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a heart problem. I talked to my doctor and we tried a new antidepressant. I understand why people get frustrated because the first pill you try isn't always the best for your body. It might not be what you need as every person's body has different compatibilities. Some people say you should only be on antidepressants for a year, but I've been on them for five. I will probably always be on them because I do not have depression because of a life situation. I have depression caused by chemicals in my brain.

I am one of the lucky ones though. Some people aren't aware of what they are feeling or why. Some people don't have a support system. Some people never seek the help they need for various reasons.

There are some days that still get the best of me and I cry for hours for no reason. But, I know when those days come, I have an understanding, caring, supportive group of people that will listen to whatever I have to say through all the tears. They remind me that I'm not in this alone. I am not the only one who has these feelings, and tomorrow is always a new day.

I also struggle because there is someone in my life that I care very much about, but this person often shuts down on bad days instead of calling out. I carried this person's burdens for years and it weighed me down. Then there was a series of scary, serious events and it devastated me. I have always been so open about my battle but this person didn't come to me. I don't think this person realized/realizes the chain reaction that actions cause and how many lives were being ruined in the process. This person has since gotten help, but it's something that still sits in the forefront of my mind and probably always will. But, I have come to learn that this person's problems are not my problems. I can only manage my own thoughts and feelings. I'm not responsible for problems that are not my own. Once that weight lifted (and shifted to additional people), I felt lighter and happier.

I have always been, and will always be, a strong advocate of utilizing mental health resources. You do not have to do it on your own. You do not need to be scared of "being dependant on pills." If you have a true chemical imbalance, I do believe that medication is a good option, but if you don't, there are other ways to help yourself.

The best advice I have to offer anyone about anything is that you are never alone, you never need to feel that way, and you need to remember that.




Yes, Grandma. There's a lot that I don't know and a lot that I'm still learning.

Vagina is Not a Dirty Word

There have been a lot of posts going around the internet lately about what it's like to live with an invisible illnesses and not to judge what you can't see or know. As someone who lives with chronic pain, I support these articles as knowledge is power. What these posts don't address are how we are still ashamed to talk about certain diagnoses.

I have a tri-fold chronic pain diagnosis of insterstitial cystitis, vulvar vestibulitis, and pelvic floor dysfunction. For those of you who don't speak doctor, the first one means pain of the bladder and the second two are basically pain of the vagina and parts around it.

OMG! I said it... VAGINA. What a dirty word. There are still some people that feel these female diseases shouldn't be talked about because they are something that should be private. Why? Because talking about the female reproductive organs makes you uncomfortable? My brothers grew up in a house with three females and still get super awkward when period or tampon are said.

I understand why these things used to not be talked about. It was a different world. But then there was the 70s and all of the sexual revolutions that have happened since. Shows like Sex and the City and Girls have brought female sex lives out of the dark. By why do people still feel awkward when I tell them I essentially have a vagina that malfunctions?

Changing the stigma around talking about female health issues is something I feel deeply and passionately about since it is the life I live every day. I didn't do anything wrong to earn these medical labels, and even if I did, it should still be talked about so people can be educated.

It took me countless doctors and many hours in doctors offices to get a diagnosis and treatment plans. Why? Because until ten to fifteen years ago, women who complained about pain in their vaginal area were essentially told to suck it up and there was nothing wrong with them.

I didn't know I had any of these problems until 2010 I was 24 when I started having sex. Yes, there's something else taboo about me. I chose to wait. But there I was, an intelligent, educated 24 year old who was afraid to ask people why sex hurt so much. At first I just thought it was because I'd never done it before. But after months of painful intercourse, I knew something wasn't right. It also started affecting other parts of my life. I noticed pain in my pelvis if I was on my feet too long, if I sat in certain positions, and when exercising. Some doctors believe that you are born with these issues and they aren't brought out until they are aggravated by an activity like vaginal sex.

It also affected my sex life because my boyfriend at the time didn't understand why I had to make him stop. He got frustrated because I don't really have orgasms (female orgasm, another thing that "shouldn't" be talked about). He was also an asshole and not understanding, but that is a different story.

Had there been more information about different forms of vulvadynia at the time, maybe it wouldn't have taken so many doctors to figure out the issue. If talking about sexual issues wasn't so taboo, maybe I wouldn't have been so uncomfortable asking other people outside of the medical field questions and would have been pointed down a more effective road sooner.

The good news is that while these diagnosis are permanent, the pain doesn't have to be. My vaginal issues were officially diagnosed in 2012 have been under control since about 2013 with a treatment plan that involves medication and physical therapy exercises.

Yes, I have had physical therapy for my vagina. Yes, it involves a physical therapist putting on rubber gloves with lube and manually manipulating your pelvic floor muscles. No, it is not as awkward as it sounds. No, it is not sexually arousing but yes, it does feel good... like if you were to stretch a tight calf muscle.

The bladder is another story. Once the issues the pelvic floor was causing were cleared up, some symptoms remained, some got worse, and some new ones joined the party. I had intense pressure in my abdomen, I felt like I had to pee constantly, and it never felt like my bladder fully emptied. It was frustrating because UTI tests kept coming back negative, but I was having all of the symptoms of a UTI. I was first diagnosed with interstital cystistis in 2014. It is currently 2017 and I still haven't found a treatment plan that works for me. I did, however, four urologists later finally find a doctor that not only specializes in IC, but also treats the individual and doesn't just say, "this is always how I treat IC" even if it is clearly not working for the patient. Because of her proactive care, I learned two weeks ago that I have a definite crack in my bladder lining after an outpatient procedure. What this means exactly, I'm not sure because I was still pretty drugged from the procedure when she told me, but I have a follow up soon.

I think it is also important to note here that if your doctor isn't providing care that is beneficial to you, there will always be another doctor who has another opinion and might have better care plans for you. It is also important to have a doctor you trust to tell your most intimate details to. By holding back or giving half truths, you are not doing yourself any favors in receiving the best care possible.

The "female" problems are harder to talk to a lot of people about, but for me, living with IC is more difficult because I can usually predict a pelvic flare and take actions to prevent it. IC ones usually come out of nowhere and are extremely difficult to calm. When I'm sexually active, it could go either way though.

IC is also more difficult for people to grasp the conditions and actual disease. Even my own family doesn't completely understand the disease. They don't understand that when there is a bad flare, sometimes it hurts to move. Walking from the front door to the car seems like an impossible task because every step sends unbearable pain to my abdomen. Like I said, a flare can come on at any time, usually with little warning. During a bad flare, I have anxiety about leaving the house. I panic about how long until I get where I am going and will there be a toilet there. I worry about how close I will be to a bathroom and the ease of accessing it. Bless the creator of Xanax.

This also doesn't always make dating easy, especially when I was younger. Imagine trying to explain to a 25 year old male that you can't always have sex because some days it hurts too much but then other days you are completely fine to bone away. They will think you are making it up or that it is in your head.

I've tried having this conversation at all stages of dating... near the beginning just to get it on the table, near the time where it might get sexual, after it gets sexual. I found that a lot of guys don't want to deal with it. I've been told I have too many problems. I've had a few never call me back after "the talk." (But I also don't have a great track record of picking decent guys.) The positive that I can say is that it has gotten easier as I've gotten older because 1- I just don't give a fuck about talking about it and will answer any questions without hesitation, no matter how weird or awkward they think they are. Sometimes I provide the information preemptively. 2- Guys have matured, somewhat, and don't run at the first sign of a problem. And they have learned that P in the V isn't the only way to get things done.

But, most of you would never know I deal with these things. You don't see it on the outside on a good day. And you might not see me at all on a bad day. Thankfully, the good days have been vastly out numbering the bad days, but you never know when the tables can turn.

I do still try to live life on my terms and not let my conditions stop me from doing the things I want to do. Sometimes I just have to take extra precautions, such as taking extra medication, doing additional stretches, or hiding a thermaheat pad under my clothes. I will say, I am not positive all of the time about my chronic pain. I am human. I spent many, many days in the begining crying behind closed doors that I would never be "normal" and that I would never find someone who would want to be with me because of my problems (note: I am still single, but it's my choice at the moment.) There are still days that I lay on the floor and cry about the hand that I've been dealt. But, the truth is, we all have our burdens and thankfully mine is manageable. I try to remind myself of that when I'm having a bad day. I also know that I will be okay. And if I'm not okay today, there is always tomorrow.



If you do have any questions about anything I wrote about, I'm very open. I'll answer anything (well, within reason).



Yes, Grandma. I really don't care who knows my personal business as long as someone walks away educated.

Why Solo Travel Has Been the Best Experience of My Life

See original post on Under30Experiences' blog here.

A common theme for me in 2016 for me was change. I learned change can be a very good thing, even if at the time it seems like the opposite. This year, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone completely. Here's what happened.

It all started with a phone call with one of my best friends. He had traveled with the group tour company Under30Experiences and felt that I would really connect with their mission and other like-minded travelers that go on the trips. He has always identified me as a bit of a lost soul, but I’m proud to say that I no longer fit that moniker.

After looking into the trip and calling the company, I booked a trip to Iceland. It was so incredible that after Iceland, I booked Tulum, Mexico. Now, I’m off to Peru in June.

This is the part of the story I like the best.

Traveling solo in a group is one of the best experiences I have ever had. Not only do you see amazing places and have amazing experiences, you open yourself up to meeting amazing people. You learn quickly not to hold yourself back. You push forward, no matter how uncomfortable or uncertain you are.

I like to trace my life events back and say, “If X never happened, than I would have never found Y,” especially when life seems rough and I can’t find up from down. 

My current life event chain looks like this.

If I hadn’t gone to the Philippines with my brother and taken time to do things solo while there, I would have never known that I was able to spend time completely alone in a country extremely different than my own. Doing that led me to book the trip to Iceland completely solo. 

If I had never booked the trip to Iceland, I would have never known just how far I could push my own boundaries. I didn’t have the safety net of my brother. It was just me. I would have also never met U30X Community manager, Jennifer DeSimone, and would never have had someone so much on my side helping me wade through the deep ends of life.

If I hadn’t lost my job in December, I wouldn’t have been forced to make moves so quickly. Losing my job was the best blessing in disguise. I was extremely unhappy and it probably showed. I had been forming an idea of what I wanted to do if I could do anything I wanted, but I wasn’t really sure where to go from there. Without Jen’s support (and my mom’s), I would have never applied to all of the graduate programs that I did. Last week I was accepted into an Early Childhood Master in Education program. This week I started my program.

I have a new level of confidence and a feeling of team support. I am now a part of a community that supports me.

Once you go on a trip with U30X, you gain a group of the most supportive people I’ve ever met - and people I have yet to meet in person. I have a network of alumni who live all over the world and have all kinds of different life experiences. Everyone is always willing to jump in and help others, whether it be a travel question or a job opportunity, among other things. It’s an incredible feeling being part of such a wonderful community.

As part of that community, I was pointed in the direction The Life Project Fellowship in Costa Rica based on heart-centered learning. Because someone in the community had taken the time to learn about me, my interests, and my journey, I was able to be set up with some awesome connections. 
Twenty essay questions later, and a stellar U30X recommendation, I will be on my way to Costa Rica this summer for four weeks to learn more about holistic education and myself. Twelve months ago, I would have never thought of even applying to such a program.

I have grown in ways that can’t be measured. 

Once you are brave enough to open yourself up to possibilities, the universe takes over and leads you on your way.  My life had been one big question mark for months, maybe even years. But, I am no longer scared of the unknown. I haven’t felt this sure and positive about something in a long time. For once in my life, I am letting the universe and my heart guide me. I don’t have a concrete plan, and I’m okay with that. 

I’m excited about where my journey has taken me and where it will take me, knowing that I have an entire community behind me.