I recently binge watched 13 Reasons Why (like many of you). After that, I saw posts and articles flying around the Internet. Some made me happy and some made me sad. As a society, we have made such progress in identifying and treating depression, but we still have a very long way to go in compassion and understanding. For those who have never personally dealt with it in themselves or in a loved one, it seems there is still some disconnect.
Depression presents itself in many different ways than "I am sad and want to cry all of the time." And sometimes it is frustrating or difficult to identify the symptoms as depression.
As far back as 15, I remember sitting in doctor's offices year after year and looking at the poster of "Do you have these depression symptoms?" and telling them that I felt at least 75% of them applied to me. Year after year, they would just say things like "Oh, that's just growing up" or "It's puberty and typical adolescent feelings." But, I knew it wasn't.
My mom didn't understand. She would yell at me. She was frustrated because she didn't fully understand what I was feeling. I didn't "have anything to be depressed about." I was at the top of my class academically, I was in clubs, I got along with my family. In 2001, people didn't understand that it was just that my brain doesn't make the right chemicals. I wasn't sad over life, but I was sad. (As a side note, my mom has come a long way since then.)
I've seen people criticize 13 Reasons Why because Hannah's parents were super involved in her life and they surely would have known. Hannah had a good relationship with her parents so she most definitely would have told them how she was feeling.
I think those people were missing some of the point of the series. Depression is still tricky because people feel shameful in admitting it. They also don't know how people will react if they tell them. I grew up in a home with what you can probably call a helicopter mom. She was always there. Did she know that sometimes I thought about what would happen if I ran my car off the road into the barricade? Or that I would lay in bed wondering if a terminal disease would be all that bad? I would obsess over who would come to my funeral and who would feel guilty that I was gone. Did she know that either? No. She didn't. She probably didn't even know until she read this. So yes, I was on that scary level of depression and I don't think anyone realized how extreme it was.
It also did not help that high school was not my happy place, but I spent a majority of my time there. I had my guidance counselor tell me that I "must have tired blood" when I couldn't stop yawning in his office one day. On top of everything else, I had my own mean girl in school and then another at home... it was not fun. Because of my depression, most days I was not able to handle and process the external factors how I should have because of what was happening internally.
Then I found something to connect to. Something that made me feel something when I was desperate to feel anything. Some people don't understand why I love Andrew McMahon so much, but I truly have always felt that his music saved my life. Back then, his band was Something Corporate. For the first time, I connected to something on such a deep level. His music gave me hope, It gave me a sense of not feeling alone. His live performances were electric and I was hypnotized. So mom, next time you complain about me spending money to see another one of his concerts, you should instead thank him for saving my life.
It wasn't until I was 25 that a doctor took me seriously. She started me on antidepressants. I was on them for two years but near the end, they started making me feel off. I didn't feel like me. I felt like I had this weird high all of the time and that I was only fake happy when I wanted to be actually happy. I didn't want to be on pills anymore. I was tired of pills. I hated pills. Pills were the worst. At the time, my friend said to me, "If you had a heart problem, would you think twice about taking the pills?" and that one sentence has stuck with me for years.
Since then, I've seen many things on the Internet with similar messages, and it is true. I wouldn't think twice about taking medication for a heart problem. I talked to my doctor and we tried a new antidepressant. I understand why people get frustrated because the first pill you try isn't always the best for your body. It might not be what you need as every person's body has different compatibilities. Some people say you should only be on antidepressants for a year, but I've been on them for five. I will probably always be on them because I do not have depression because of a life situation. I have depression caused by chemicals in my brain.
I am one of the lucky ones though. Some people aren't aware of what they are feeling or why. Some people don't have a support system. Some people never seek the help they need for various reasons.
There are some days that still get the best of me and I cry for hours for no reason. But, I know when those days come, I have an understanding, caring, supportive group of people that will listen to whatever I have to say through all the tears. They remind me that I'm not in this alone. I am not the only one who has these feelings, and tomorrow is always a new day.
I also struggle because there is someone in my life that I care very much about, but this person often shuts down on bad days instead of calling out. I carried this person's burdens for years and it weighed me down. Then there was a series of scary, serious events and it devastated me. I have always been so open about my battle but this person didn't come to me. I don't think this person realized/realizes the chain reaction that actions cause and how many lives were being ruined in the process. This person has since gotten help, but it's something that still sits in the forefront of my mind and probably always will. But, I have come to learn that this person's problems are not my problems. I can only manage my own thoughts and feelings. I'm not responsible for problems that are not my own. Once that weight lifted (and shifted to additional people), I felt lighter and happier.
I have always been, and will always be, a strong advocate of utilizing mental health resources. You do not have to do it on your own. You do not need to be scared of "being dependant on pills." If you have a true chemical imbalance, I do believe that medication is a good option, but if you don't, there are other ways to help yourself.
The best advice I have to offer anyone about anything is that you are never alone, you never need to feel that way, and you need to remember that.
Yes, Grandma. There's a lot that I don't know and a lot that I'm still learning.
